CHURCH & CARLTON – S1, E2 – The Flying Fathers

flyingfathers

Tonight’s episode focuses on the uniquely Canadian intersection of hockey and faith through the story of Fr. Les Costello, the promising young Maple Leaf who gave up a  hockey career to become a wildly unconventional Catholic priest.

On the subject of Irish Catholicism,  I’m loath to ask for money, but if you want to give me tremendous pangs of Catholic guilt, you can support me on Patreon.

  • E.C.
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Joe Bowen Bingo

Leafs play-by-play announcer Joe Bowen calls his 3000th Leaf game tonight. In light of this astonishing achievement in masochism, I have decided to honour one of the most prolific and influential sportscasters in hockey history with the best game I could hastily make in Microsoft Word.

Crank up your AM radio, crack open a beer, and play along as the great Joe Bowen and his stalwart sidekick Jim Ralph call the game like a hoser Timon and Pumbaa.

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Mumps 2: The ReMumpening

The Vancouver Canucks have mumps.

Mumps, a nasty little virus that causes hilarious yet painful swelling of the salivary glands, is highly contagious. Transferred through saliva, it is currently laying waste to Toronto’s bar scene. The NHL had its first mumps outbreak in 2014 – you may remember this iconic image:

Of course it happened to Sid. Of course it did. 

The outbreak passed, teams gave out booster shots, and everyone promptly forgot that dozens of professional athletes had the mumps. But now the virus is back to terrorize the hapless Canucks, leaving us all with the question: What caused the Great ReMumpening?

Several theories have been floated, ranging from the mundane (sharing water bottles) to the disgusting (saliva spray during checking) to the tragically improbable (hot player-on-player action.) But the fact remains that this is a group of health-conscious adult men in peak physical fitness. What are they doing with a 19th century children’s disease?

The answer may be surprisingly simple. Before 1996, the prevailing wisdom in Canada was that we only needed to be inoculated against mumps once. Now, the recommendation is that children need to get the mumps vaccine twice. This means that Canadians born  between 1970 and 1992 are still susceptible to mumps even though they  received their childhood vaccination. The NHL is mostly comprised of Canadians born between 1970 and 1992. If they’re anything like every other Canadian Millennial, their parents lost their yellow immunization card circa 1998. Like all those poor saps who got infected on West Queen West last week, they probably didn’t know that they were supposed to get inoculated twice and have now passed on Canada’s most unfortunate export since Justin Bieber to their international teammates.

The Canucks aren’t exactly playoff-bound this year, but if the outbreak spreads, other Western Conference teams could find themselves incapacitated at a crucial point in the season. The Canucks play the San Jose Sharks tomorrow night. Brent Burns was born in Barrie in 1985.

I hope he’s had his booster shot.

Five Things Seen and Observed at the 2017 CWHL All-Star Game

  1. There is absolutely an audience for women’s hockey.

There’s a persistent argument that the reason women’s sports don’t get much attention is that there simply isn’t an audience for them. 8000 people attended Saturday’s game, and while some shitty dudes predictably whined about it online, the social media response has been overwhelmingly positive. The crowd at the game was an impressive mix of ages and genders and the level of enthusiasm and crowd engagement was on par with any Leafs or Marlies games I’ve been to. If it’s good hockey, Canadians are going to watch it. Not airing or discussing or writing about women’s hockey because “there’s no audience for it” is an excuse borne out of laziness as much as sexism.

2. Haters gonna hate.

Poor Brandon. (I’m using Brandon here, but you can substitute any generic hockey bro name.) Brandon had to watch a commercial for women’s hockey and now he is Mad Online™. Brandon does not like women because his mom told him to stop playing Overwatch and put his Meninist shirt in the hamper. Brandon logs on to Twitter and tweets “Women’s hockey? I’d rather watch paint dry!” so that the other Pepe the Frog avatars will now that Brandon is a Real Man™ and not a media party cuck like James Mirtle.

3. Tween girls will be total goofs if given the opportunity.

That weird limbo between childhood and adolescence is a tricky time for girls. Between peer pressure, the media, and the daily reality of patriarchy, they’re encouraged to abruptly leave childhood behind and devote their entire existence to what boys think of them. The CWHL All-Star Game was packed with tweenage girls and as it turns out, when there’s no pressure on them to be anything but hockey fans, tween girls are goofy as hell. They giggle, they shriek, they dance like dorks to make their friends laugh. They flail around on the Jumbotron and tackle each other for free t-shirts. In a judgement-free setting where powerful women are celebrated and applauded, little girls can feel free to be little girls.

4. The hockey world needs to quit sleeping on Jess Jones.

Forget the women’s game – Jess Jones is one of the world’s best hockey players full stop.  The Brampton Thunder forward was drafted into the CWHL after a dominant stint in the EWHL, and her explosive speed and uncanny hockey sense have led to a team-leading 32 point season. (In the scoring race, she sits only behind Ann-Sophie Bettez and Marie-Philip Poulin, who are maybe the world’s best hockey players.) Jones scored a hat trick for Team White at the All-Star Game, and probably had the most vocal cheering section in the building. And yet she remains a relative unknown outside of a small circle of Thunder fans. When Jess Jones is on the ice, the game becomes nine players chasing Jess Jones. She is a generational talent, and deserves to be mentioned in the same breath as players like Natalie Spooner or Meaghan Mikkelson.

5. There’s no wrong way to be a woman.

Whether you’re tall and willowy or short and squat, whether you’re blonde or brunette, whether you’re butch or femme, there’s a place for you in women’s hockey. You can tuck your hair up under your helmet or tie it back in an elaborate braid. You can ring your eyes in black eyeliner like Natalie Spooner or wear no makeup at all like Jamie-Lee Rattray. You can play a physical game like Rebecca Vint or a finesse game like Jill Saulnier. In the CWHL, you can be whoever you want to be in whatever way you want to be, and no one will tell you you’re doing it wrong.

On Nazem Kadri, Donald Trump, and Keeping Politics Out of Hockey

Nazem Kadri first voiced his disapproval of then-Republican candidate Donald Trump’s proposed Muslim travel ban in November of 2015:

“I think he’s pretty delusional. But his opinion’s his opinion…[T]hat being said, I’m lucky to live in a country like Canada, where people of political stature don’t say those kinds of things to make people feel out of place.”

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In Praise of Reims (Originally written Feb. 2016)

I met James Reimer once. It was at last year’s outdoor practice and all of a sudden he was maybe two feet away from me and I had to say something. Except I didn’t know what to say so I said “You’re very popular with lesbians.” He started laughing really hard and I didn’t know what to do so I started laughing really hard and we both stood there in -30 degree weather laughing until we both started coughing from the cold. He smiled the now-famous crooked smile and said “Thank you” and his face was that fire engine shade of red that it gets during shootouts. It was awesome.

It’s true though: he is very popular with lesbians. Well, bi girls, ace girls, and non-binary people mostly, but my brain had entered Emergency Shutdown Mode and the only word I could come up with was “lesbians.“And our weird little encounter is something I’ve thought about a lot since, mostly because he seemed so genuinely delighted to be very popular with lesbians. Continue reading

Honky The Christmas Goose (originally Written Dec. 24th, 2016)

“That’s horseshit,” says Terry. “Geese don’t fuckin’ have noses.”

“It’s for kids,” Johnny says. ‘Kids don’t care whether geese have noses or not.”

“But how does he honk then, if he’s got a fuckin’ nose? Geese honk with their beaks. I seen ’em.”

“And reindeer don’t have red noses, Terry. No one cares about this stuff at Christmas.”

“It’s not so much the nose thing that concerns me so much as the general narrative structure.” Frank slicks a wad of Brylcreem through his black hair. “The chorus implies that Honky’s central conflict will be his struggles with his weight but the verses deal primarily with the problems caused by his honking.”

“Mahovlich,” says Terry. “You’re the biggest fucking fruitcake I ever met in my life.”

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On Girlhood, Growing Up, and The Hockey Hall Of Fame, Part Two (Originally written Nov. 20, 2017)

Back when the Leafs were great, I had a hockey-themed birthday party. My parents set up a ball hockey net in the basement and made chocolate cupcakes so we could “ice the pucks.” We played musical squares to the Hockey Night In Canada theme and took shots on my dad to “Hit Me With Your Best Shot.”

My parents took birthday parties very seriously. Continue reading