Local Jeffs Confused By Response To Kevin Pillar Slur

Jeff Ferguson, 45, expresses confusion after LGBT Blue Jays fans tweeted their disappointment in Kevin Pillar for using a homophobic slur.

TORONTO – A contingent of confused local men named Jeff took to the streets last night to protest the reverse-homophobic treatment of Blue Jays’ CF Kevin Pillar at the hands of some special snowflakes on Twitter. Pillar, who was caught on camera uttering a homophobic slur during Wednesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves, has become an unlikely rallying point for Jeffs who would otherwise be slightly uncomfortable around Jewish people.

“I personally don’t see an issue with saying that word in a moment of frustration,” said Jeff Anderson, 45. “I called the office copy machine a f****t just last week.”

“The trouble is that this generation is too sensitive,” his friend Jeff Benson, 45, added. “When I was young, we got offended by important things like Janet Jackson’s right nipple and songs that might subconsciously remind people of 9/11. Nowadays, kids want you to apologize every time you say something demeaning and offensive to vulnerable minorities. I mean, am I gonna get thrown in a concentration camp next time I make fun of a cab driver’s accent?”

Jeff Carson, 45, choked back tears as he rallied the crowd with a powerful speech about diversity and inclusion in baseball. “Jackie Robinson didn’t become the first black guy to pull himself up by his bootstraps and make it to the big leagues just so we could discriminate against heterosexuals and I think Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. would agree with me!”

“It’s outrageous,” said Jeff Davidson, 45, when confronted with accusations of homophobia among the protesters. “How could I be homophobic when I took my wife Suzanne to see that Michael Bublé at the Living Arts Centre?” When informed that Bublé is, in fact, straight, Davidson mumbled “Coulda fooled me,” and looked down at his Dockers slip-on loafers.

The protest ended in chaos as former Walrus editor Jonathan Kay sat cross-legged in the middle of the intersection, doused himself with gasoline, and lit a match to protest this shocking act of cultural Marxism. “Such a tragedy,” said Jeff Ericsson, 45. “This is the saddest thing to happen since that George Michael guy died of…I don’t know. AIDS, probably.”

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In Praise of Reims (Originally written Feb. 2016)

I met James Reimer once. It was at last year’s outdoor practice and all of a sudden he was maybe two feet away from me and I had to say something. Except I didn’t know what to say so I said “You’re very popular with lesbians.” He started laughing really hard and I didn’t know what to do so I started laughing really hard and we both stood there in -30 degree weather laughing until we both started coughing from the cold. He smiled the now-famous crooked smile and said “Thank you” and his face was that fire engine shade of red that it gets during shootouts. It was awesome.

It’s true though: he is very popular with lesbians. Well, bi girls, ace girls, and non-binary people mostly, but my brain had entered Emergency Shutdown Mode and the only word I could come up with was “lesbians.“And our weird little encounter is something I’ve thought about a lot since, mostly because he seemed so genuinely delighted to be very popular with lesbians. Continue reading